Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
