i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
