If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
