i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The Olympian is in my bed
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
