That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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