when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
