There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
