There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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