My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
