Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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