worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
