Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
