im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
