instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
