If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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