he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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