Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
