I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
