and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
