I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
