making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
