I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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