two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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