I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
