Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
