My cat gives me a boner
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize