your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
