i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
