That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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