My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
