i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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