I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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