You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
