So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
