All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you never un-have a 4some
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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