who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
