I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
