R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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