Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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