they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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