There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
