Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
