The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
