drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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