his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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