cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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