Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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