needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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