that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
