My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
