And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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