Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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