my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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