anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
