I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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