Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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