First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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