Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
