3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
