it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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