She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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