I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
