I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
