You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Vodka?
Forever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
